Twitter favourite

"I have decided to become a tiny woman from the Philippines."

- munki (Sarah Wedde), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Stopped for the night on a gravel road surrounded by spinnifex, cooked tea on a fire and used my shower bag for the 1st time."

- twocrowsdown, Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Rode my bike on a 25 mile loop over lunch. Bicycle broke down at mile 12.555555555555555. Yep."

- matthewbaldwin (Matthew Baldwin), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Up at 4:45 to watch the meteor shower, I carry a folding chair out on to the driveway and look up: nothing. Clouds. A raindrop hits my face."

- Morning_Porch (Dave Bonta), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Four priests at the Requiem Mass yesterday and none of them spotted my heathen soul. I'm calling bullshit on their magic superpowers."

- munki (Sarah Wedde), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"sad to read on Facebook that 'George Orwell has no recent activity'"

- cpev (Charlie Peverett), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour."

- matthewbaldwin (Matthew Baldwin), Twitter

Twitter favourite

Me, to the two wild turkeys wandering the Oakland Rose Garden: "Hey, jive turkeys!"
Turkeys "Wobwobwob."
Bystander: Quickly looks away.

- evany, Twitter

Twitter favourite

From Splendour in the Grass, a music festival at Byron Bay:

"Disappointed with BlueJuice. prob better before singer broke arm and leg."

- jxe520 (Ed), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"On Twitter, one must be pithy, succinct and concise. Brevity counts, too. Avoid verbosity, loquaciousness and redundancy. Get to the point."

- howardowens (Howard Owens), Twitter

Twitter favourite

'I love ending bedtime stories for my nieces and nephews with "..and they haven't caught the killer to this day. Well, goodnight!" [CLICK]'

- Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso), Twitter

Twitter favourite

Salon for haircut. Lady nxt to me is in love w/ my hair & asked her stylist to give her my color. They're holding my head up to color charts.

- phillygirl, Twitter

Twitter favourites

me: is it plugged in?
lady: yes.
me: is it plugged into the right thing?
lady: oh...no.

- jaredvenezia, Twitter

- - -

zach: the comp. doesnt work
me: did u turn it on
zach: yea ass
me: even the switch on back
zach: (sound of switch) shut the hell up

- slinetty, Twitter

- - -

guy: can you come fix my pc?
me: fine. (walks over)
guy: uh...it's working now that you're here.
me: go in peace. your faith has healed you.

- jaredvenezia, Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Officially 100 days until Election Day. If you're not already outraged about something please contact the campaign for your assignment."

- jdickerson (John Dickerson), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Some days, the web feels like 5 people trying to make something; 5k people turning it into a list; and 500MM people saying, 'FAIL.'"

- hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"Food-shopping for our 2-day car trip. How many packets of cashews to get me across the Balkans?"

- sgazzetti, Twitter

Twitter favourite

"I don't like food-scented bubble baths. I feel like I'm being marinated. It's unsettling."

- shoesonwrong (Annie), Twitter

Twitter favourite

Mom: "You were telling inappropriate stories?"
Kid: [too quiet]
Mom: "Well, isn't that what inappropriate means?"
Kid: "But it was FUNNY!"

- fedge (Jeff Barszcz), Twitter

Twitter favourite

"I am so sore. My new media coach has me working my douche area. Sent out 500 unsolicited invites and friended 400 people I don't know."

- Moltz (John Moltz), Twitter

(In American Twitter-speak, douche = idiot.)

Twitter favourite

"Doctor, after finding out Grandpa's age: 'Wow, you look really great for 94!'
Grandpa: 'You're not so bad yourself.'"

- ginatrapani (Gina Trapani), Twitter